Every morning I wake up, roll over and see my husband laying next to me. Some mornings I catch myself staring at him and just wondering how did we get here? Who have we become? How will this end?
When we got together we were just a couple of kids. Careless and madly in love…or was it lust? We both were into things we shouldn’t have been and Calvin moved 4 hours away. We were only together for about a month when he left but I stayed with him. My friends told me I shouldn’t wait for him. That it was a waste of my time but I had this gut feeling that somehow some way everything would be okay. He was gone from December to June and in those months he went to school and worked a full time job. We would try and make time to talk but we had separate lives and it was hard. I visited him maybe 3 time in the time he was gone. In that time I never had a doubt that we wouldn’t work out. It’s funny, I feel like we almost didn’t exist to each other in that time because of how little we spoke to each other. Maybe we just held on to the thought of each other.
When he came back, we got pregnant with our first child. We hadn’t even been together a year and now we were about to be parents. What were we supposed to do? I was 19. I felt like I still didn’t know who he was. We were still babies ourselves. Abortion never crossed our mind but I would be lying if I said I really thought about giving Aden to someone else. How would we make it as young parents? Neither of us had jobs and we both still lived at home. We never went through with adoption and Calvin got a part time job at the mall and we managed. My folks let us stay with them and that’s where we started our family.
While I was pregnant I had cholestasis and this was the first time we really went through a rough time. I went to the ER because Aden stopped moving. I didn’t feel him move at all that day and I was scared. Turns out I was just dehydrated but my labs showed my bile levels elevated. It was enough of an emergency that the ER doctor called and scheduled me an appointment for 8am. We didn’t leave the ER until 5 am that night. Exhausted and scared, we made our way to the specialist and I had to take medication and I had to be closely watched. At 37 weeks I went in to be induced because the doctor feared if I went full term our baby boy would be a still born. In those 37 weeks Calvin and I learned what it really was to love each other. I mean really love. I would sit up and scratch and scratch my body and burn myself with hot water just to relive the pain. When I was up puking my guts out he was always there.
February 11 our baby boy was born 6 pounds 10 ounces. He was perfect and healthy and ours. When we got home from the hospital I remember Calvin actually showering me because I was so helpless. Everything seemed so perfect. We had our family.
Fast forward to 2 years later. In that time we got married, got real jobs and just recently moved into our first apartment. In January we decided we wanted to have another baby. In the same time I was diagnosed with an auto immune disease. Now I don’t know where what went wrong but all I know is I got off my birth control and I wasn’t getting periods. I kept taking tests but they all came back negative. In March I took another one just because I had this gut feeling and sure enough it was positive. Holy shit! I’m gonna be a mommy again! What a blessing in the middle of all this sickness! We found out on a Friday and Sunday I began having discharge that didn’t look right and we went to the ER. They told me I had an infection and there was no heartbeat but I shouldn’t worry because at 7 weeks there is no heartbeat but to go see an OBGYN. Later that week I went in and my fears were confirmed. Our baby didn’t make it. 7 weeks and 3 days was all She had. How could this be happening to me? I was in between medications and my morning sickness, desire to eat everything in sight, all the symptoms I mistakes for side effects. I still kick myself and wonder how did I miss it? How did I not know I was pregnant? I say she because I just had this feeling she would’ve been our girl.
I guess from this point on things changed. I don’t have that same feeling that it will all work out like I did in the last. Calvin and I have become more distant. We don’t speak much unless it’s about bills or we’re arguing. He is still the same man who takes care of me, who sits up with me when I don’t feel good but are we still in love? Some days are better but it seems majority of the time I feel like who is this person I married? Who have we become? This wasn’t who we were 4 years ago. Could it be this is the end of our journey? Only time will tell what the future holds. All I know is in the four years we’ve been together, we’ve had some really rough times and we’ve created a beautiful family.
