Every morning I wake up, roll over and see my husband laying next to me. Some mornings I catch myself staring at him and just wondering how did we get here? Who have we become? How will this end?
When we got together we were just a couple of kids. Careless and madly in love…or was it lust? We both were into things we shouldn’t have been and Calvin moved 4 hours away. We were only together for about a month when he left but I stayed with him. My friends told me I shouldn’t wait for him. That it was a waste of my time but I had this gut feeling that somehow some way everything would be okay. He was gone from December to June and in those months he went to school and worked a full time job. We would try and make time to talk but we had separate lives and it was hard. I visited him maybe 3 time in the time he was gone. In that time I never had a doubt that we wouldn’t work out. It’s funny, I feel like we almost didn’t exist to each other in that time because of how little we spoke to each other. Maybe we just held on to the thought of each other.
When he came back, we got pregnant with our first child. We hadn’t even been together a year and now we were about to be parents. What were we supposed to do? I was 19. I felt like I still didn’t know who he was. We were still babies ourselves. Abortion never crossed our mind but I would be lying if I said I really thought about giving Aden to someone else. How would we make it as young parents? Neither of us had jobs and we both still lived at home. We never went through with adoption and Calvin got a part time job at the mall and we managed. My folks let us stay with them and that’s where we started our family.
While I was pregnant I had cholestasis and this was the first time we really went through a rough time. I went to the ER because Aden stopped moving. I didn’t feel him move at all that day and I was scared. Turns out I was just dehydrated but my labs showed my bile levels elevated. It was enough of an emergency that the ER doctor called and scheduled me an appointment for 8am. We didn’t leave the ER until 5 am that night. Exhausted and scared, we made our way to the specialist and I had to take medication and I had to be closely watched. At 37 weeks I went in to be induced because the doctor feared if I went full term our baby boy would be a still born. In those 37 weeks Calvin and I learned what it really was to love each other. I mean really love. I would sit up and scratch and scratch my body and burn myself with hot water just to relive the pain. When I was up puking my guts out he was always there.
February 11 our baby boy was born 6 pounds 10 ounces. He was perfect and healthy and ours. When we got home from the hospital I remember Calvin actually showering me because I was so helpless. Everything seemed so perfect. We had our family.
Fast forward to 2 years later. In that time we got married, got real jobs and just recently moved into our first apartment. In January we decided we wanted to have another baby. In the same time I was diagnosed with an auto immune disease. Now I don’t know where what went wrong but all I know is I got off my birth control and I wasn’t getting periods. I kept taking tests but they all came back negative. In March I took another one just because I had this gut feeling and sure enough it was positive. Holy shit! I’m gonna be a mommy again! What a blessing in the middle of all this sickness! We found out on a Friday and Sunday I began having discharge that didn’t look right and we went to the ER. They told me I had an infection and there was no heartbeat but I shouldn’t worry because at 7 weeks there is no heartbeat but to go see an OBGYN. Later that week I went in and my fears were confirmed. Our baby didn’t make it. 7 weeks and 3 days was all She had. How could this be happening to me? I was in between medications and my morning sickness, desire to eat everything in sight, all the symptoms I mistakes for side effects. I still kick myself and wonder how did I miss it? How did I not know I was pregnant? I say she because I just had this feeling she would’ve been our girl.
I guess from this point on things changed. I don’t have that same feeling that it will all work out like I did in the last. Calvin and I have become more distant. We don’t speak much unless it’s about bills or we’re arguing. He is still the same man who takes care of me, who sits up with me when I don’t feel good but are we still in love? Some days are better but it seems majority of the time I feel like who is this person I married? Who have we become? This wasn’t who we were 4 years ago. Could it be this is the end of our journey? Only time will tell what the future holds. All I know is in the four years we’ve been together, we’ve had some really rough times and we’ve created a beautiful family.
Little one actually slept in today. He’s had quite the eventful weekend for a two year old. Most weekends are filled with puzzle making and watching cartoons so it was a nice change of pace to break away from Team Umi Zoomi and Thomas the Train. Yesterday his nana and papa took him to chuck e cheese and he of course got spoiled with prizes. What are nana’s for right? He came home so excited to tell me about his ride on the “choo choo twain ” and how he got to dance with “chuck e chee”. It’s still so bizarre to me how we can have conversations. Real conversations! When he was smaller I would make up the conversation in my head and pretend he knew what we were talking about. He got a chuck e cheese cup and shirt and won a monster truck and all day he just kept telling his nana “tank o nana chuck e chee”.
On today’s agenda we planned to get up, go do some laundry at my mother in laws house and go see fireworks after nap time around 2. It started out going according do plan but of course we never make it anywhere on time. Calvins brother was in town so Aden was beyond happy to see uncle Stephen. Calvins two brothers don’t live near us so it’s always nice when they’re in town. Our adventure didn’t start til about 5 but it worked itself out perfectly cause we had enough time to see the aquarium and get a good spot to see fireworks at the Cotton Bowl stadium. This was little ones first time seeing fireworks so we were pretty much prepared for a melt down.
Loud noises + nap cut in half + two hours past bedtime = disaster.
We were basically asking for it. He did well through the firework show but the before and after were a disaster.
During the show they started to play somewhere over the rainbow and I just caught myself wanting to bawl my eyes out. I had realized that even with all the walking we did around the park and up and down stairs, I had no pain and I wasn’t completely exhausted. Everything in that moment was just pure perfection. The past six months have been such a roller coaster that the little happy moments are just so overwhelming. I love this little family we’ve created and I’m just so amazing blessed to be where I am today and I pray it only goes up from here.
It’s been a long time since my first post. Things have been very chaotic lately. My husband and I found out first apartment and we’re set to move in later this month! It’s all very exciting but also nerve wracking.
I’m currently taking plaquinil and meloxicam for my Sjogrens. My inflammation markers are still high so I’m supposed to start taking methotrexate paired with folic acid and a steroid pack. This Monday I started feeling like a sinus infection coming on so I went in to a local clinic assuming all I would need is antibiotics. I went in and the doctor said it seemed like just a simple cold but that I couldn’t take antibiotics unless it was a last resort. I got a nasal spray , and I’m to use a Netipot to hopefully flush it out.
That was two days ago and I feel like I’m getting bronchitis. I was ordered to take the last two days off so I could rest my body. She was telling me the auto immune disease can make me get worse suddenly so I’d need to rest my body. I’ve only been diagnosed with an auto immune disease 6 months ago so I’m still learning how my body works now. I’m learning how to live with this and learning how people have no idea what we deal with.
On social media I always see “spoonie” and I know I’m one of them but I never understood what it was until I found this photo
It makes perfect sense now. The only thing was I wish more people around me understood. With me having to take the past two days off, my co workers have been acting funny towards me as if they were mad or annoyed with me. It’s frustrating and bothersome when those closest to you don’t sympathize and help you cope. I’m looking to connect with others out there who are going through what in going through. I need others to talk to who can relate and help me feel like I’m not crazy.
On a better note, Tomorrow is July 4th and it’ll be a struggle but we’re taking our little one to see fireworks for the first time! I’ll take lots of pictures and hopefully write tomorrow.
We remember their love when they can no longer remember.
My name is Angie and I’m a mother of two babies. My first born is two years old and such a character. My second baby I was only pregnant with for 7 weeks and 3 days before they left to be with Jesus. I have a wonderful husband who is my biggest supporter. I’m currently struggling to control my depression and anxiety. I also have an auto immune disease called Sjögren’s syndrome.
This blog is all about our adventures as a family and my own personal struggles. I’m opening up my whole life and most personal inner thoughts in hopes it’ll reach someone and help them feel not so alone. Feel free to email me or leave comments on what you’d like to read about.
This morning love bug had us up at the crack of dawn. Seven AM every morning is when we begin our adventure. My mom started making us her pancakes she likes to make every weekend. We still live with my folks but we’re in the process of leaving the nest. It’s time to find a home to make our own. Once our bellies were nice and full, we got showers and ready for the day. We’ve had so much rain the past week that today’s weather was extra beautiful. The sun was finally out, birds were singing beautiful tunes, and we had a perfect breeze.
It was also my grandmothers 74th birthday. I feel like this birthday to me is really special. She’s beginning to show worse signs of Alzheimer’s and it really worries me. When I come home from work I’ll come in and say hello. A few hours later she’ll see me and ask me when I got home. She’s beginning to see a new physician who will hopefully get her better treatment. I’m just so grateful for every year she’s still here but that she remembers us.
It’s getting late and time for me to go catch my zzz’s. Comments are appreciated! Feel free to ask me anything or if you wanna share your story on Alzheimer’s, Auto immune disorders, miscarriages, parenthood ! I’m all ears.